


IF YOU GO AWAY

by vanhunks



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Love by the lake, Romantic Fluff, Romantic Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 07:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25466953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanhunks/pseuds/vanhunks
Summary: Post Endgame: Voyager reaches home. Just before Chakotay disembarks  from Voyager, he visits Kathryn Janeway in her quarters, only to find that she has already left. But he notices something she has left behind or forgotten, and vows to return it to her.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seven of Nine
Comments: 10
Kudos: 35





	IF YOU GO AWAY

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is loosely inspired by the song _"If you go away"_ and takes its title from the song as well. Jacques Brel composed the song in the original French, _"Ne me quitte pas"_ (Don't leave me) and translated into English, amongst others as "If you go away". If readers like to hear the original French, I'd recommend Charles Aznavour! I listened to Jacques Brel and Aznavour and Frank Sinatra for the English song.
> 
> My most gracious thanks to MaryS who worked on this story!

* * *

IF YOU GO AWAY

***

**Starfleet Headquarters, three days after Voyager's arrival**

The rays of the late afternoon sun fell in welcome swathes across the floor of the lounge in the apartment at Starfleet Command. It bathed Seven of Nine's face in warmth and enhanced her stark beauty. She sat on the couch, her back straight, her face sincere. Chakotay sat facing her; not for the first time he marvelled how Seven could direct her emotions and quietly package them so that she could, with great conviction, tell anyone, "I will adapt." That was the look on her face, yet it was not malevolent, not anger or outrage directed at him. Perhaps, he realised as he studied her, was observing a hint of relief in her whole demeanour. It gave him courage to speak.

"I must find her," Chakotay said. "She must know - "

"Know what?" Seven asked.

As if Seven didn't know. They'd talked about it, talked about a lot of things since they'd disembarked, of beginning something and then ending it without rancour. During the last months on Voyager, he'd begun to drift into her eager arms, notwithstanding the fact that Seven had herself made the first overtures to a romantic liaison. Had she seen how miserable he had been the last years on Voyager? Had he not suppressed his own feelings for Kathryn Janeway deeply enough? With Seven they'd made something of their dates that later morphed into passion. But what was passion if it didn't have at its heart devotion and the extreme risk of making oneself so vulnerable in the hope that the other could treasure that vulnerability?

They'd talked about endings that didn't hurt, endings that left in their wake mutual trust and understanding. He respected that. He was going to woo Kathryn Janeway now that he was free, released from the old, old guilt he'd felt at betraying his love for his best friend and colleague. But he had found Kathryn's letter, held on to it and only read it after ending things with Seven the moment Voyager docked above Earth's orbital station.

"Of this," he replied at length, showing her the small cylinder in his hand. "Of the truth…my truth," he amended, his voice trailing to an awed whisper. His stunted heart had begun to bleed again, pumping his lifeblood to every cell in his body, making him feel again and more accepting the hope that flared wildly in him.

"Perhaps then," she suggested, "it was a blessing that what we had came to an end before you read it. What we had was not working, " Seven murmured reflectively. "Was never going to work, Chakotay. I acknowledge that and hold nothing against you. Rather, I should thank you for giving me a precious few weeks…"

"I cannot apologise for what we had, only that I hurt you. Even if it only - "

"Proved to you once and for all that I could never own your heart, though it is something to which I aspired. What we shared was too transient to allow lasting devotion and love to grow between us. It might sound callous, Chakotay, but owning someone's heart would be the ultimate honour for me, for anyone, I should think. I never had yours to begin with, so don't feel aggrieved at my honesty. Do not apologise. I would feel insulted if you do. What I would appreciate is continued friendship, your respect…"

"Thank you, Seven. Your heart is great. I must search for her. I know she believes that we are together."

"I understand. You always said she never gave you any indication that there could be anything more than your celebrated friendship between you, that love was 'off the table' as Tom Paris would say. She was too immersed in her task of seeing that her crew received her fullest attention and support. To demand anything more than that she was not prepared to give. I am truly sorry that she felt that way, Chakotay."

"I cannot judge her for that. Her position was always made clear to me even if never spoken out loud. But yes, I must find her now…." he said as he patted the cylinder in his hand. "I must find her…"

"Then the time to move is right now, Chakotay. I cannot help you there as she seems to have vanished into thin air."

"Without her commbadge, it is a challenge, Seven, but not impossible."

"Then go and find the one who owns your heart."

*******************

**Lake George**

How could he not love Kathryn Janeway? How could he ever have thought that being in the arms of another would make him forget her? If he had one corner of his heart where he could reserve a place for Kathryn, he was rudely awakened, for she filled every corner, swamping his entire being. The love he thought would die, had been resurrected with devastating force once he'd allowed his heart to bleed again.

He vowed to find her even if it took weeks! She had given her commbadge to Admiral Paris, clearly intending to remain incommunicado. Neither Paris nor Kathryn's family knew where she was. Perhaps, like him, they decided to leave her, knowing that she would join the rest of the living later, when she felt ready to meet the world again. If Chakotay could divine her intentions, it was probably to recharge her battered being after fighting and surviving so long in a quadrant where they'd probably made more enemies than friends.

But he had a mission.

So he thought about all the places they had visited in Voyager's holodeck, places that were precious to him and places precious to her. He'd already been to Venice where, in the holodeck, they'd painted murals against walls designated for that purpose. They'd been so happy then, brilliant friends who enjoyed the moment and laughed and hugged as they studied their handiwork. They promised one another that they'd visit Venice once they were home and Chakotay would paint a mural of her…

He had gone to the great canyon with the Colorado River rushing through Earth's magnificent natural wonder. They'd sat together there, thinking about the meaning of life…

"Here you can experience the wonder of creation, feel the splendour of something greater than yourself," she'd said.

"I always liked coming here. One feels small measured against the greatest grandeur of our planet…"

"I miss Earth, Chakotay. So much!" Her words were haunting, filled with such longing he couldn't help gripping her tiny hand in his and give it a reassuring squeeze.

"One day, Kathryn."

"Will you be with me then?" she'd asked.

"Always…"

He thought he'd find her at the Grand Canyon. He remembered her words of longing and he remembered his promise. But his disappointment, however, was fleeting. He would simply visit the next and the next and the next beautiful place where they'd been happy together, where they'd shrugged off the pressures of command and survival.

The Voyager crew was awarded a few days of vacation before debriefings, as Headquarters had made it possible for them to meet and connect with families first. Kathryn, he knew, had met with her mother and sister before setting off to seclude herself somewhere on Earth.

Now he boarded the shuttle Sacajawea borrowed from Voyager with permission from Admiral Paris who blustered, "And when you bring her home, come straight to my office! Both of you!"

Flying at low altitude, he set off east for New York. He had a lot to think about, most importantly the cylinder stashed safely in his leather sling tote. Automatically his hand patted the bag as if it gave him reassurance that the cylinder was safe.

He wasn't going to leave Kathryn once he'd found her. She would have to listen to him, however much he knew she would protest. She had to hear what he had to say. He was going to stand his ground. This time he wasn't going to walk away. Never.

With a sigh, he touched down at one of the landing pads of Lake George. He would walk the kilometer to where he knew he'd find her. In a rare moment of intimacy, she'd told him about the lake and the family bungalow they owned, that she'd love to invite him there.

Lake George.

The one incident on Voyager when Kathryn had been at her most vulnerable. The one place she had been unhappy. The alien that inhabited her body had caused her visions, one in which she'd seen her father who invited her to join his realm. She'd seen him, Chakotay, despairing over her death was what she'd told him later. He'd fought so hard to keep her alive, kept telling her to fight. She told him that and she'd been so sad and exposed… At the end when everything was resolved, they'd gone to the holodeck and sailed on Lake George. He'd thought she'd be more centred after what had happened to her. But she wasn't. Her trauma visited her constantly over those hours and days.

"I used to love sailing here," she'd told him when they'd taken a sailboat out on the lake. "With my father…" she'd added, "those times he was home from a mission…"

"Perhaps one day, Kathryn, when we get home, you can take me to the real Lake George…"

Kathryn had been sad, vulnerable, so completely exposed then and she'd let him see how raw she felt. In his presence she felt safe, letting him see how emotionally unsettled she was. She'd been quiet a long, long time with a faraway look in her eyes as they ventured further on the calm waters. There were times she'd trailed a hand in the water, deeply pensive, hardly aware of him. The terror of what she had experienced was still so close to the surface. He waited, never intruding on her silences until she spoke to him -- her words mostly single syllables, short, staccato sentences as she spoke of her pain, of missing her father, that the alien played aggressively on her feelings, homing in on what had troubled her most in her life before Voyager. Sometimes Chakotay had simply touched her hand in commiseration before settling back to continue rowing. Gradually the calm lake with its weak sun breaking through the clouds brought a new stillness in her. He felt how good it was that she became settled again.

"Thank you, Chakotay, for your presence, your company. I appreciate it."

He'd nodded and they'd only left the holodeck an hour later when Kathryn had begun to smile more and even engage in repartee with him. As they left the holodeck, he'd given her shoulder a gentle squeeze and smiled down at her. All had seemed to be right with the world then.

Perhaps he could have gone to the lake first, but he needed time to think too, to visit those places and remember the good of their friendship, his adoration of her. He sensed in his heart she was here.

How was it that his heart could feel heavy and light at the same time? The exhilaration that caused the thudding heartbeats of seeing Kathryn and the fear that his own guilt would surface in her presence and she would deny everything he wanted to share with her?

These thoughts kept him busy as he walked along the tree-lined grassy shore. From time to time, he noticed large bungalows nestled inland although he didn't see any people about. The weather had changed to dark clouds with a sharp nip in the air but he ignored any discomfort of feeling cold. Only two days ago, the sun had shone through the large window of Seven's apartment, unseasonably warm for the time of the year. Now it looked like that day in the holodeck when he and Kathryn had sailed on the lake. Tepid rays tried to break through the clouds on an overall miserable day with squawking gulls doing nothing to brighten the sky. That day the unpleasant weather had matched Kathryn's mood.

His heart lurched when he saw in the distance a figure sitting in a deck chair. As he walked closer, he sensed the person was Kathryn. He'd seen her sit that way in her command chair, relaxed on days when they travelled through benign space, or distressed when reflecting on yet another death of a crewman. A shawl was draped around her shoulders and a thick afghan rug thrown over her legs. Her golden hair nestled gently in her neck and her book lay open on her lap, limp fingers barely managing to hold on to it. She appeared discomposed, melancholy seeming to bounce off her. It was an achingly familiar Kathryn, just like that day in the holodeck when he withheld his own trauma of fearing her death.

Chakotay stopped about five metres from where she sat. A lonely figure gazing unseeingly the still waters, sailboats appearing quite tiny in the distance even on such a cold day, the occasional squawking of gulls. He remembered those gulls so magnificent in flight but with godawful raucous sounds. Yet an air of restfulness hung over the whole lake. He thought he'd paint the scene one day…

"Are you going to stand there, Chakotay?" Kathryn asked, her face still turned towards the boats in the distance.

He experienced mild shock that she was aware of his presence. Chakotay gave a low chuckle and closed the distance between them. Only then she turned to look at him.

A cold, cold shiver ran through him as he took in Kathryn's appearance. It was Lake George in the holodeck all over again so long ago. A cold, gloomy day that mirrored her emotions.

Kathryn looked raw, exposed, sad and heartbroken. It was in her eyes, the way her hands released the book as it slid to the ground, fingers that trembled a little. He noticed the title - Dante's _La Vita Nuova_. He wanted to pull her to her feet and embrace her tightly, let her head rest against his chest, plant a kiss in her hair. He wanted to comfort her instantly and drive away her pain.

"Why are you here?" she asked, then stood up slowly, retreating a step. "Should you not be - "

He'd already opened his tote bag as she spoke. Kathryn frowned when he removed a cylinder from the bag, a question in her eyes. Chakotay slowly opened the cylinder and removed a scroll very carefully. Two sheets of papyrus paper, delicately rolled with a shiny ribbon tied round it.

Instantly Kathryn cried out in distress as she tried reaching for the paper, but Chakotay held it away from her.

"No…no, please. Not that! Why do you have that?"

"On the day we transported from Voyager, I went to your quarters, Kathryn, to say goodbye to you. You had already left. I noticed something lying on your recycler - "

"I thought I recycled it," Kathryn said softly, her lips trembling and tears filling her eyes. "I was going to destroy it! It was my stupid indulgence! Please, you should have left - "

"I thought you might have forgotten it, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "I - I…"

"You read it?"

"I am sorry. My curiosity was greater than my respect for your privacy. It was wrong of me, but yes, I read every word of it."

"Please, I meant nothing by it. It was sentimental rubbish! You are lost to me! I was simply indulging myself! Tear it up! Throw it in the water!" she sobbed, her voice rising to hysteria.

But Chakotay slowly unfurled the sheets and gazed at the beautiful script on ancient paper while Kathryn slumped back in the deck chair, her head in her hands. He knelt next to her, his head almost touching hers. With a racing heart he began reading…

"No, please…please…"

***********

_My dearest Chakotay…_

_Once on a lonely planet you were my all. You brought me out of my own darkness then and showed me the light. You were more the sun than the moon's darkness when my days became bright and full of hope. I believed in love everlasting as long as you were by my side. Standing in a forest clearing the dappled rays of the sun bathed us as you embraced me and held me so close in your loving arms. You were my pillar, my rock, the one who gave me reason to hope. Our love was still so new then in our idyll we called New Earth!_

_If you go away…_

_As I know you must, my summer will end. You will leave me in the shadow of the sun and I will surely wither and languish in the sorrow of my dreams. Never again will I hear the rustle of forest ferns as the breeze dances through them, never will I see the morning light with you by my side._

_But if you stay…_

_I will again see birds fly as they majestically swoop the sky and dance the dance of love. I'll hear their sounds - beautiful nightingales singing arias from old earth operas! I'll hear Mimi singing her haunting aria to a lovelorn Rodolfo, or a lonely Lauretta singing to her father. Yes, that is what I'll hear when you are with me, my love. Not the discordant screech of owls, but birdsong that would echo from the deepest corners of my heart!_

_Our hearts will soar higher than the birds as they create giant arches across the firmament. Our days will be filled with love and sunshine, especially when the morning rays touch our souls and I can believe that your devotion to me and mine to you is undying. And we'll fill our nights with bliss and passion so that the moon hovers above us, approving our union as day approaches slowly. And looking over the lake in the moonlight I'll see the long golden streaks of light across the water reaching into eternity._

_I love you so much then, beloved, so much!_

_But all these beautiful things will vanish like mist in the same golden sun your presence promised me, Chakotay. I will be bereft of your devotion._

_But if you stay…_

_I promise that your life will be filled with sunshine, your day will be like no other you have ever seen! We'll sail on Lake George - the real lake - into the golden light. And when it rains, we will lift our faces to the heavens and we'll ride on the rain to the land of rainbows! We'll talk to nature and the trees will whisper back and say, "It is good…" and we will worship the wind together!_

_Then my beloved, if you go, I will understand for I know your commitment to another. Leave me enough love to fill my hand, to line the walls of my heart so that once in a while I can visit those corners and remember that you once loved me…_

_If you go away as I know you must..._

_Kathryn._

*****************

It was quiet after Chakotay read the letter, the two sheets drifting to the ground. Kathryn remained hunched in the chair, her fragile body shaking as she wept. Chakotay took her hands in his and pulled her to her feet. She tried looking away but he clasped her head and made her gaze up at him. His heart wanted to break seeing the sorrow in her eyes.

"The words flowed from your heart, Kathryn," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion.

Her eyes closed in wordless acknowledgement.

"I found the letter in your recycler. I guess you wanted to destroy it and probably forgot to in your hurry to get off the ship."

"Yes…" she whispered as another sob escaped.

"I went to say goodbye to my dearest friend and captain before leaving. You'd already gone, I realised. Then I saw the two sheets of the finest paper. I rolled it up, thinking you'd forgotten it. I - "

Chakotay swallowed hard trying to formulate his next words.

"I wanted to return your letter but I was so curious and couldn't help reading it."

"No one was supposed to," Kathryn murmured. "I was indulging myself because I was never going to see the sun…"

Her eyes filled with tears again. Chakotay bent his head and kissed her in a gentle caress. Kathryn pulled away.

"I can't, Chakotay. I have no right - "

"Since I left Headquarters," he started, "I couldn't get the beautiful words of your letter out of my mind. I want to tell you I love you. I have not stopped since that first day we met so long ago. I tried to forget, you know, but it was impossible." Chakotay paused, kissed her again, a lingering caress that left them both breathless. "My beloved," he continued, "you have every right to stand here in my arms. You have every right, for it was in realising my own folly that I took a step back with Seven of Nine. I didn't read your letter immediately. I held on to it for a day or two. By that time Seven and I had been in conversation about our road forward."

Chakotay could see the clouds slowly dispersing from Kathryn. Her joy so cautious that he pulled her tightly against him and murmured into her hair, "My beloved…" When he released her, the glistening tears suddenly looked like golden raindrops.

"We'd decided there was no road forward for us, Kathryn, not romantically anyway. Seven was extremely understanding and accepting that what we shared had ended." Chakotay was quiet a long time. Kathryn nestled into his hard, comforting chest, a joyful sigh escaping, waiting for him to speak. "Only then I read your letter. I know, I know! It could have been to your mom or sister or Mark Johnson! But somehow, my beloved, writing on incredibly fine paper, I hoped beyond hope it was meant for me… You cannot imagine what it meant to me, my love. Every word you wrote with so much pain wrung the deepest emotion from me. I am at your mercy and await your kindness."

"What is there to forgive, my darling? But I - Seven, what will she do now?"

Chakotay smiled, kissed Kathryn again before coming up for air. "All Seven desires right now is to continue being a friend to us…"

"She said that, Chakotay?"

"She said that, my love. Come, it's getting colder." He stooped to pick up the afghan and wrapped it around her shoulders. Then he picked up the letter, slotted it back in the cylinder before bending down again to pick up Dante's _La Vita Nuova_.

"Where - ?" he started as he looked around, the sailboats and gulls forgotten.

Kathryn turned to glance behind her.

"Bungalow. My parents built it years ago, when we were kids."

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway."

Kathryn gave a cocky smile. "You read my letter, beloved. You know how I feel."

Before they started walking, Chakotay opened the book.

"I got stuck on the opening page…" Kathryn said, smiling .

_"In that book which is  
My memory . . .  
On the first page  
That is the chapter when  
I first met you  
Appear the words . . .  
Here begins a new life"_

*****************

They lay snuggled together on the deep piled rug, covered in a soft quilt, bathed in the warm glow of the fire's last embers. Kathryn slept, her breathing even, peaceful. Soon, Chakotay realised, she would awaken. He studied her, unable to stop himself from caressing her face.

It was a quiet night, full of tears, joy and mostly, benediction. Last night was a revelation for both of them. As if they'd simply continued from what they had shared on New Earth where they'd been free and without anguish.

But there were years between and the sorrow of those years was taken and absorbed into their hearts. They admitted to one another with pain and humility never to be complacent about love. They'd taken her letter and placed it in the fire, watching the flames reduce it to ash. They would remember the pained outpouring of love for the words were burned forever in their memories.

After that he'd taken her in his arms.

"Kathryn…"

"Yes, my love?"

"I have a message from Admiral Paris - "

"I gave him my commbadge," she said.

"He said to bring to you personally to his office. We must be in dress uniform…"

"I shall gladly comply, my love."

*****************************

END


End file.
